We learned why it’s important to grieve in the first blog post in this series on grief. Now we look at the practical nature of grief and answer the question: “How do we grieve?”

There are no quick-fixes for grief. Grief can overwhelm, producing a whirlwind of difficult thoughts and emotions. Awhile back, my therapist gave me a tool for dealing with grief called misery moments. Misery moments are one way to grieve. They are a tool to express and address the emotions of grief.

To understand a misery moment, it’s important to answer a few questions:

What is a misery moment?
A misery moment is a scheduled time you set aside for yourself to grieve.

How long is a misery moment?
Misery moments can be anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes long, depending on what works best for you.

Why is it important to schedule a misery moment?
A scheduled misery moment gives you a set time where you can deal with the whirlwind of confusing thoughts and painful emotions. When you’re hit with those thoughts and emotions throughout the day, you can acknowledge them and set them aside, knowing you have a scheduled time to deal with them later.

How many misery moments should I schedule?
It depends on your level of grief. The more grief you experience, the more misery moments you can schedule. Begin with one a day. When the feelings and thoughts lessen, space out your misery moments.

What happens during a misery moment?
A misery moment comprises two elements: vent and reward.

1. 1. Vent
      When you vent, you acknowledge and express the emotions and thoughts swirling around inside of you. There are several ways to do this. You can journal and/or write about your emotions, thoughts, and fears. Talk to a trusted friend who can listen without giving advice or correcting. Talk to yourself and express those thoughts and feelings. The goal is to make your thoughts and emotions concrete. During this time, I may write a letter I will never send, write out a prayer to God, or journal about a single thought, fear, or emotion. More often than not, I journal my grief because I love to write. This is different for everyone. The key is to vent. Venting is important. It acts as an emotional laxative, unclogging your emotions so you don’t become emotionally constipated (if you don’t like that phrase, blame my therapist!). When you’re done venting, put everything on a shelf until your next scheduled misery moment.

1. Reward
   The second element of a misery moment is reward. Reward yourself by doing something enjoyable. Give yourself a lift by doing something you like to do. Go for a run. Ride your bike. Get a cup of coffee. Drink coffee with a friend. Go for a walk. Get some ice cream. Grab a glass of wine and sit in your backyard. Do something that refreshes you.

Misery moments are a great tool for expressing and addressing grief. I’m thankful for a good therapist who encourages me to get a handle on my grief before my grief gets a handle on me.