Divorce stinks. Regardless of how you feel about your marriage, walking through a divorce is painful for everyone involved. Although my divorce was a catalyst for change, it was also a painful time when I learned some real life lessons about marriage. Here are six lessons I learned:
- It takes two people to make a mess
During a divorce, it is easy to point the finger at the other party as the one at fault. I did this because it was much easier to blame her than to take responsibility for my actions. When I was honest with myself, it didn’t take long for me to realize the contributions I made to our crumbling marriage. It wasn’t just her—we both contributed to the mess. - I can only change myself.
This is one of the toughest lessons I learned. I spent so much energy trying to change her, I didn’t focus on the only person I could change: myself. After the divorce, I realized I spent most of my energy trying to change her. I don’t plan to make that mistake again. - I am enough
Divorce causes a lot of guilt and shame. The deadly duo of guilt and shame attacks us at the core of who we are, reminding us of our failures and shortcomings. Both shame and guilt scream at us: “You are not enough.” Throughout the divorce, I had to remind myself of my value as a human being. Regardless of how I’m treated, I am enough. Regardless of my mistakes and failures, I am enough. - I let my reputation speak for itself
My divorce was in a public setting where people knew both my ex-wife and me. There was finger pointing and blame from more than just the two of us. People picked sides and began making accusations. I constantly reminded myself that regardless of any attacks on my character, I didn’t need to defend myself. My reputation had been established long before the divorce, and regardless of my mistakes, I was confident enough to let my reputation speak for itself. - I don’t have to live as a victim
While I have no control over how I am treated, I have control over how I treat others. When we take on the victim mentality, we focus on how another treats us unfairly and then react to that person out of that unfairness. This is victim behavior. As much as I wanted to go on the offensive, I had to remind myself that I could only control my actions and I didn’t have to react in my anger. This may be one of the hardest truths I learned throughout this process, and it’s one I still don’t have down yet. - I don’t have to repeat the past
The pathway to not repeating the past is choosing to learn from our mistakes. I spent a lot of time reading, reflecting, writing and processing with a counselor during and after my divorce. I was desperate to figure out how I contributed to the divorce, so I didn’t repeat those mistakes. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This time of reflection was difficult, but well worth it. I will make mistakes again, but they will be new mistakes and not the mistakes of the past.
